Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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