Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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