wrigley field is MILF paradise
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
