the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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