rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
