she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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