omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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