Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I checked into jail on foursquare
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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