How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
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guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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