Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
