All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dick very happy bro
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
