is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
