because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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