WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
