Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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