pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize