Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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