When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
