You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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