and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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