god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
