Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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