Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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