What tipped you off? The sombrero?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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