I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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