Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
