I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
