I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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