Where is the hickey?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
