He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
