Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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