Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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