Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
