smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
