I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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