Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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