My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
