I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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