Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
