Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
