the condom got lost in my hair
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
