the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
