Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
