why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
