i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
