mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
there is puke in my bra ... again
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
