remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
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You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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