Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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