I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
