my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
