I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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