Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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