Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
