I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Let's paint friendship bongs
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
