Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize