I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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