How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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