She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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